With Conclusion

john mosbaugh
the church of burger time



Tenet The First: (The HOT DOG Tenet)

Playing with food is in fact a dangerous sport. Unbelievers may scoff, but these bitches are dangerous fellows. Tenet The First is represented as the HOT DOG Tenet for the simple reason that the inherent danger Chef Pepper illuminates and ultimately defeats is best exemplified by the pack behavior these Dogs exhibit. They are sexless, mindless ogres. They neither love nor hate, they are killing machines much like the snakes that live beneath my bed or the vampires that visit me when I am drinking heavily at my computer. The essential amorality of these "Hot Dogs" only serves to enhance their inherent brutality. While Mister Pickle comes on with a twisting death that is horrific yet graceful, the Dogs represent some mindless horror and/or hidden childhood trauma, (perhaps the age old adage "Don't play with your food" is a kind of Jungian archetypical expression hardwired into parents, ie, don't play in traffic, don't talk to strangers and "the bogeyman"; see also the representation of a village "hag" as "witch" and priestess goddess worship - the "outsider" one who is different from the group and must be destroyed or used for sport. See footnote 1.), and fear of the unknown which may relate to the reason this Tenet is represented by a hot dog (as that relates to 1.[who really knows what is in a hog dog], and the secret life - 2.[behind an intestinal wall]).

There is also, of course the obvious phallic reference which in this case is only amplified by the presence of three hot dogs which serve to represent the actual physical and psychic rape of little Chef Pepper, his legs pumping, splayed out before him - helpless. See footnote 2. This concept is propounded by the existence of the slang word "wiener" used in reference to a penis by most pre-pubescent children. The vagaries of such psychosexual lingo only serve to reinforce the postulate that Mr. Hot Dog represents either the fear and apprehension of childhood impressions regarding sexuality in Western civilization or the repression of such bio-organic development, (see also "Southern Baptists") and the fear of the unknown coupled with physical urges to copulate which ultimately manifest as mental illness, sexual dysfunction and other aberrant behaviors in later years, (rape, murder, incest and the like).

It is upon this template that Chef Pepper works the maze, attempting to avoid the Dogs to complete his task. The Chef is alone in his valiant struggle for aesthetic purity. A Chef makes burgers. A Chef is responsible for FEEDING his flock. In this crazy representation we see the Chef embroiled in a game of "cat and mouse" with the virtual underbelly of human existence. His purity of purpose, single focus on the task at hand, and his ability to outwit the forces of ignorance and evil that strive to distract him and destroy his work, only stand in stark contrast and serve to lay bare his essential "goodness" and elevate his struggle into something Nobel. The forces that be represent not only ignorance, but brute force, mob rule, violence, genocide, and all things associated with the lower urges and forces of man. They are exposed by Chef Pepper's ceaseless toil. This myth is recycled throughout human history in a myriad of expressions; the Christ story, (see the New Testament Gospels: the feeding of the masses with loaves and fishes, Also footnote 3.), Buddah's search for enlightenment, the Reformation, the Renaissance and all subsequent historical and mythological examples of the human quest toward freedom and equality for all, freedom of the mind and ultimately the inherent phenomenon of evolution towards "civilized" society.

Chef Pepper represents "everyman" and an idealized icon expression of "Ubermensch". It is through him that mere mortals can find enlightenment by taking that first step, to question reality as it appears in an attempt to eventually "push the envelope". Why does he build the burgers at the risk of losing so much? Why the sacrifice? These questions only serve as impetus for greater, more encompassing and hopefully, thoughtful meditations and discourse on the essence of humanity. Why do we continue, day in and day out, to perform our functions as mere cogs in a faceless corporate scheme when we could just as easily join the forces of evil and take what some theologians would refer to as the "low road". These forces of evil are fraught with implications no one can fully understand (ie afterlife repercussions as exemplified in the Western religious experience [ground up innards stuffed into intestines then strung up to congeal] or karmic disturbances in the eastern concept of Hindi mysticism [nitrates, sulfites and other preservatives]). (See also The Golden Bough for expanded discourse on concepts of an afterlife, footnote 4.). If we consider the far reaching religious implications that Chef Pepper brings to our wealth of thought, we are forced to consider our own human weaknesses and shortcomings, frailties and vulnerabilities. He is taking the risks to bring forth a dialog. He is playing with dangerous food/the forces of evil, and it is through his triumphs that our species can question our own motives and ultimately evolve to a higher plain of consciousness.

Tenet The Second: (The Egg Tenet)

Do not waste your pepper. You start with only five. Superficially, this dictum seems to imply the obvious, but upon closer retrospection with a classical slant, we can interpret deeper meaning. That meaning following the lines; "Use your pepper wisely", or even, "Save your pepper". This philosophy can be interpreted as being representative of the ideological rift between two trains of existence, those being the "carpe diem", "devil may care", "live and let live", instant gratification, "Me Generation" conceptualization theory, proponents of which no doubt use their pepper freely and with wanton disregard for future circumstance and/or consequences, versus a more conservative, "save for a rainy day", equity building, retirement anticipating, calculating, planning archetype who in essence represents the traditional values of frugality and temperance.

Mister Egg is conservative in his appearance. Take note of his protein ovistatin milky white body mass that forms a subtle contrast to his amoebic yolky eye. (see also concept of "Corruption of the Third Eye", Upanishads). He is not flamboyant, neither is he particularly graced with the frenzied pack mentality of his Hot Dog brothers, nor the speed and aggression of Mister Pickle. He is a mere logic bomb, a veritable lug of consistency of purpose, always moving, always alone. Almost resigned to mediocrity in his movements, he is the ever-present spoiler, the unhealed wound, the overbearing mother-in-law, the suburban front lawn anthill that returns after each pesticide application. He is scales, scabies and cataracts. He is also the incredible, edible egg, tasty prepared fried, over easy, poached or scrambled.

Most will eat their eggs with salt and pepper. It is interesting to note that Tenet The Second, Do not waste your pepper, is passed to us exactly as writ in Burger Time. These immortal words glow on the start up screen, a beacon for all who endeavor to take the challenge of creating burgers. It is also noteworthy that pepper tastes best on eggs. Who among us but a select group of gourmnivores, peppers his Dogs or Pickles? These five powerful words create a mantra for the initiate and it is crucial for critical examination of this phrase to occur in a free flowing environment within which confines the possibility for metaphor be utmost if Burger acolytes are to understand fully the ramifications of "wasting pepper" on their every day existence. Pepper was brought to Europe and introduced to Western civilization after the crusades. Brought along the great spice trade routes by the likes of Marco Polo and others, it was initially the luxury of kings and lords who appreciated the zest pepper brought to otherwise bland foodstuffs. Salt had been introduced during Roman times and was widely used for this purpose by the masses. The concept of throwing salt over one's shoulder to ward off bad luck, (evil), was widely held as an effective (albeit superstitious) practice at the time. The salting of eggs is assumed to have been in practice at the time as chickens were widespread and cared for by the masses as is evidenced by the architectural record. Footnote 5.

In modern society, the egg has been both assailed and praised. The salting of eggs - fried eggs being considerably high in cholesterol- has raised health concerns which are invariably linked to the concept of "bad luck" especially to a man in his middle age. Such bad luck manifests itself as cardiac arrest and multiple bypasses to correct years of inactivity and eating eggs because said man was working in a sedentary, high stress environment in an effort to make and save enough money to support a family (all the while being frugal [see saving his pepper]) and now, in his later years is spent and listless with a torso sized zipper scar from all his surgery covering the horizontal girth of his fat ass beer gut. He sits on his barcolounger watching basketball and drinking shit Budweiser, ultimately unappreciated and discounted as a senile old fool who represents nothing but an inheritance to his two nubile teenage daughters and his frigid wife - the daughters who coincidentally routinely screw the brains out of their "carpe diem" stoner boyfriends and the wife who's best companions are her vibrator, her bottle of prozac, and an occasional afternoon with any of 10 assorted delivery boys who frequent their middle class/gated community/slice of mediocrity. He is too conservative to be suicidal so he waits out his days numb and oblivious to all that is happening around him. This fate has befallen him much to his chagrin, but he, unassuming, has no idea that it all relates back to the fact that he saved his pepper and ate a lot of eggs. He will content himself with applying pesticide to his manicured front lawn to rid it of ever present ant hills and avoiding his over bearing mother-in-law.

The irony is apparent.

Tenet The Third: (The Pickle Tenet)

Keep your eyes on your fries.
Earn Extra Peppers & Bonuses - Claim Cones, Coffee and Fries
The socio-economic implications of the first two tenets lead us to a third all encompassing reconciliation of the spiritual with the mundane, rich versus poor, short versus tall, frightful waking dreams versus the inevitable dark nightmares that haunt us every night in our beds alone with a single malevolent streetlamp falling across our exposed face while outside the car alarms screech incessantly in some kind of demonic siren song.

We can only assume Mister Pickle is dill -sweet is hardly the adjective to describe this dark creature from the yap of hell. He is also sliced and sweet pickles are not routinely produced in the sliced variety. It is noteworthy that Mister Pickle is sliced thin as evidenced by the white cucumber seeds clearly visible on his turning face. He is PacManese in shape and personality. Rather than eat, he spins his weave of death, bouncing along on his detached red shoes. Mister Pickle completes the trinity of adversity Chef Pepper must face in his pursuit of Burger Time.

These three entities can be considered representative of the three concepts of redemption, revelation and resurrection. The last line of Tenet The Second continues, "Earn Extra Peppers & Bonuses, Claim Cones, Coffee and Fries". It is in these two simple lines wherein redemption lies. The very concept of "earning" by the "claiming" of another triad - Cones, Coffee and Fries - leaves open to Chef Pepper the hope of a constant renewal. He is not predestined to remain on any given level, but may continue as long as he attains the perfect creation of Burgers at any particular stage of the game. See also the concept of Three-Vehicles, Buddah's teachings in the Parable of the burning house. Footnote 6. Life is not simply a series of ladders, but travels out in all directions from our experience on a multitude of levels. Footnote 7.

Chef Pepper, though aesthetic in purpose, reinforces a paradigm through redemption with every burger he churns out, whether it be the simple four layer burgies in level one to the eight level Leviathans of level six, it is the skill and passion with which he performs his task that ultimately saves and delivers him to the Messianic plane, much like the vision of the Moshiach era which, in the words of Maimonides: "In that era there will be neither famine nor warfare, neither envy nor strife.". To bring about the perfection of complete Burgers and in the process to defeat the evil Mr. Hot Dog, Mr. Egg and Mr. Pickle, can on a very real level, bring about the great Messianic age. Creation is the key to beauty and the ultimate metaphor nirvana for we are constantly re-creating ourselves, redirecting our path to find the perfect bridge from which to drop the our buns, lettuce, cheese and burgers. On the occasion when we have dropped our burger and caught the Pickle, Dogs and Egg between slices and on the patty, cheese or lettuce, our reward is not simply thousands of points and the fact that another burger is complete, but we also realize that ‘Boy, those burgers taste GOOD."

The revelation of these three concepts, nare I say, three elements of existence: Dog, Egg, Pickle is an ongoing process. The negation of these elements is superseded by the negation of the negation which leads to affirmation. Each element has its own independent existence. One element cannot be deduced from the other. In much the same way that each ladder leads to yet another bridge, (see Jacob's Ladder, superstition related to walking beneath ladders and black cats [as opposed to Hot Dogs]). These ladders do not exist in and of themselves but only in relation, one to another. The paths are eternal processes that link the elements and are Cone, Coffee, and Fries. The converse is also true in that Cone is diametrically opposed to Dog, Egg the evil doppleganger of Coffee and Pickle a sinister twisted twirling green-meanie made from cucumbers (see footnote 8) and Fries are made from potatoes (see Idaho and the Irish Potato famine, papas fritas), whereas in creation of the hidden Burger (which goes by many names, "Burger Supreme", "Royale with Cheese", "Patty Melt", "Big Mac", "Whopper" ), appears and gives the world reality. In revelation Chef Pepper reveals love to humankind. Humankind overcomes isolation from Chef and is enabled to speak and to respond. Simple holy truths such as the concept of leading the "Dogs to the Bun" and "Pepper the bitches where they group", are revealed as the student of Burger Time conquers his or her fears with each level.

Chef Pepper readily gives of his lives into the path of Mister Hot Dog, Mr. Egg and Mr. Pickle, in much the same fashion as the Christ figure. The allegory is impossible to discount. He has come, "as the Son of Man ... to give His life a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:28), while Chef is sacrificed trying to "Earn Extra Peppers & Bonuses, Claim Cones, Coffee and Fries". His blood is spilled with every horrible waving of his small green feet as the Dogs tear at him, their vapid yellow eyes staring ahead, void of any comprehension. It is here that he undergoes the process of resurrection. Chef begins each game with three lives (another worthy Triad [ note also the startup screen with another immortal phrase [BONUS CHEF {represented by a picture} EVERY 10,000PTS]) at the default level. The myth of sacrifice and resurrection is evidenced and well documented throughout history in all forms of civilizations: the Green Man, Peruvian Mayan Indian sacrificial rituals, Native American living on the back of the turtle, Gaia [fruit as essence of life dropping off of flesh to be eaten as manna], and Upper Siberian natives somatic religions (ie the eating of flesh also purported to be evidenced in later BC at the sea of Galilee and the ingestion of psychedelic mushrooms), footnote 9, African Coptic and Jamaican Rastafarian taking of marijuana to be at one with "Jah", to name a few.


These three simple tenets, HOT DOG, EGG and PICKLE, are not simply some tired, old road house religion. Students of this philosophy, through concentrated and thoughtful meditation, may attain the ultimate state of Burger Time, a subtle realization that life is not a spectator sport. Evil must be defeated in the process of divine creation and when you have all your burgers dressed and in row, neither Dog nor Egg nor Pickle can harm you.

Do not be discouraged in your quest, use these words to ease your mind until you have, at long last, turned the machine over.

Yea, though you reside on the lattice of the lettuce of death, no egg can despoil you. For you walk with Chef Pepper, through whom all Burgers are built.

The procession of life's levels beyond the first eight is a mixed wonderslush, served up at random- do not be afraid, you have been there before.

Is it not Chef who raises his little arms in frenzied celebration at the completion of each level? So can you be, scooby dooby.

A salted Dog does not a single peppered Pickle make.

And until then, Live Life One Burger At A Time.

Next Up:

The Book of Burger Rituals &
The Nine Stages of Gyruss


1. Jerzy Kosinski, The Painted Bird, Grove Atlantic Press, 1965, 2nd Ed. 1995; reference to (village donkey scene) as the cold brutality of life in WWII Europe. Also: emotional detachment in the face of trauma - Nazis as Mr. Hot Dog - Wieners as allegory for the brutality of man against his own.


2. We also see the subtle allusion to the evil Hot Dog in the catchy tune, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener." which any person who grew up in the 1970s or 1980 can sing and instantly recognize. Is this another ploy, (as the religious zealots will attest) to bring children into the fold of the Pig (ie Satan and his unholy minions), or on another level, the expansion of corporate brainwashing as in all references to The New World Order and complete corporate/secular control of the masses?

a) See also, W.B. Yeats "Byzantium" poems (Magnus Annus) references to the 2000 year turning of humanities reflection of god as Dionysus/Christ/Mammon and also

b) One World Currency/ the writings and speeches of Craig Thompson available through Loompanics Press, Port Townsend WA.


3. The perennial "Hot Dog" story in the Gospels of the New Testament where Jesus commands demons to leave a woman possessed and then go into a herd of pigs that is wallowing nearby then launch themselves off a cliff in addition to countless references to pork in the old testament, see Leviticus: no eating of "cloven hoofed" animals is allowed for God's chosen people. The Pig as dirty. (wallowing in mud and eating excrement).From this western civilization's fascination with the concept of "Satan" as a pig. A seemingly endless list:

a) The Manson murders of the 1960's inspired by the Beatle's White Album, song Piggies. Another reference to evil in pork products.

b) "It takes all Critters to make farmer's fritters", reference from Hotel Hell, a 1980's horror flick where people were ground up as sausages and the Farmer wore a pig's head as a mask.

c) see also Dogs of War et al, ad nauseam.


4. James George, Sir Frazier,The Golden Bough, 1922


5. Other foods are regulary salted, for example the two peanuts who were walking together in the park at night and one was a salted.


6. "Ye all! Delight not to dwell in the burning house of the triple world Get ye out with haste from the triple world and take to the Three-Vehicles." Dhannapada, Teachings of a Compassionate Buddah., see also Majjhima-Nikaya, "The Crossing of the Ford", credited to Buddah, which explores various levels of spiritual development using the allegory of crossing a turbulent stream and reaching safety on the farther shore. The ladders, though they become more complex, all lead to the placement of condiments, bun and burger and ultimately the next level of Burger Time.


7. St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theological, "Thus a house contributes nothing to its own erection; the work is all done by an external agent, the builder... When two causes cooperate in the production of such effects it must be remembered that the principal cause is not the external agent, but the internal one; the external agent is the assistant, furnishing means and aid which the internal agent makes use of to produce the desired effect."

Heh heh, he said erection. We can only guess it was wood frame house.


8. The major portion of the commercial cucumber crop in the U.S. is for processing, with Michigan, North Carolina, Texas, California, and Wisconsin is the leading states for pickle production.


9. John Allegro, The sacred mushroom and the cross; a study of the nature and origins of Christianity within the fertility cults of the ancient Near East, out of print; Regarding the Amanita muscaria cults in the middle east; contains an illustration of an early Christian fresco showing Adam and Eve being tempted with a large red,white-polka-dotted mushroom in a natural setting.


HELP SUPPORT the church of burgertime

back to the church of burgertime